You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September, 2008.
The days lately seem longer than ever! Nick has been working a lot lately, the project he is finishing off a critical stage right now so he has been working very long hours. To top that off I am actually quite busy at work as well lately (I generally work extremely part time, only a few hours a week). Couple that with the fact that Gabe is teething and Tristan has been needing a lot of attention, and I am WORN OUT.
Now, after having said that, you are probably going to think my next comment is crazy… but I am thinking of homeschooling the kids.
Now I know all of the arguments for and against, I just need to decide if it’s the right thing to do for our family. That is that part of me that is counting down the years until the kids are in school full time and I will have more time to devote to work and quite possibly *gasp* some ME time. But then there is that other part of me that just doesn’t feel right about sending them off to public school. I want to teach them that learning doesn’t just happen within the four walls of a school building. That it can happen in your home, in your backyard, out in the community… everywhere! And I want to have the flexibility to take them on trips, and have them learn at their own pace, and be able to individualize their schooling experience.
This is obviously something that is going to require a lot more thought. If I homeschool I will still continue on with the work I am doing now, so I need to figure out how that would all work and how I could juggle the schedules. I also need to learn more about what is involved with Tristan’s therapy plan and whether it is in fact possible for me to teach him, or if he would benefit more from a structured classroom setting (although, I’m thinking he probably wouldn’t).
I just keep thinking that though the days seem long, they are young for such a short time. I personally loved learning as a child, but hated school in junior high and high school. I don’t think that school necessarily prepares you for what is out there in the world. In fact, looking back I felt horribly unprepared because in the real world nobody cares if you are popular, or how you scored on the last quiz, or if you’re the captain of the basketball team. In the real world, people care if you can carry on a conversation, work hard, think critically, act on your feet, and work both independently and as a team player.
So I really think that the homeschooling thing could work for us if I do my research, find some groups in our area that we can join in so that the kids do still get to do some group learning and find out about joining sports and clubs in our community.
Tristan is really inspiring me to think outside the box. There is not just one way to do things, so I’m going to explore this path and see if it just might be the right fit for us.
I don’t know why, but everything just seemed easier today. It certainly wasn’t because Tristan was having a good day. The morning started off terribly! We were all set to go out to “Railway Days” at a local historical village (Tristan is a complete train fanatic, so the trip was for him). And of course because we were trying to keep on schedule and get out the door Tristan had melt down after melt down. He refused to get in the shower with daddy and screamed the whole time, then he refused to get dressed, then he refused to eat breakfast… then he hit his brother over the head so it was a timeout in his room…. then he came down and hit his brother again. And yet, through all that, I felt calm. I can’t really explain it, clearly my husband was not sharing in my zen state of mind as he just looked at me all disgruntled and said, “And why exactly are we rewarding his bad behavior with a day out?”
I think having just being armed with the knowledge that YES there is a problem, and YES there is help, and NO it’s not my fault, and NO Tristan’s not just being a brat, it just makes everything better. I have to accept that there are good days, and there are bad days. Just the same as I will have days that I find easier to deal with than others. The fact is that falling apart under the pressure is not even an option, so I just have to keep plugging along and let the pieces fall where they may.
Having dinner last night with my dear friend Anna was really good. It’s funny, I haven’t seen her in months and I just happened to be seeing her the day of the diagnosis. It gives me strength to see how she takes everything in stride, and yet she’s still realistic about the challenges and frustrations that come along with parenting a child with ASD. We took a trip to the bookstore after dinner and picked out some books on ASD so I will dig my nose into those during the week. This weekend I just want to sit with it though, and let it sink in a little more.
As I have mentioned before, my family is not very supportive. My husband has come around now which is of course the most important person. After meeting with the doctor yesterday he is very much on-board and is excited that there is help out there. Growing up having learning and behavioral problems himself I think he can identify with Tristan (perhaps more than he would like to). I think he’s comforted knowing that so many programs exist now to help. I called my mother to let her know the results and her reaction was, “Oh, well hopefully he’ll just grow out of it.” As if ASD is just some nasty habit like biting your fingernails or sucking your thumb.
One area that I am truly blessed in though is with my friends. I am so lucky to have such supportive and caring friends in my life. Even from the online community I am a member of – these are women that I have never had the pleasure of meeting in real life, but that care enough to share their experiences and offer their advice and encouragement. One thing that really stuck in my head, was Kyla saying, “He’s still the same little boy you have always loved, now you just know how to help him better.” I know in my heart that’s true, somehow someone else saying it though just brought tears to my eyes – thank you so much for that!
I’m not a big fan of Oprah – but like she always says – when you know better, you do better. So now we have a better understanding of Tristan, and I promise to spend every day doing a better job of helping him navigate this crazy world of ours! Look out world, because there is one amazing little boy that is set to conquer anything!
We spent over an hour this afternoon with the behavioural pediatrician. He asked lots of questions and I feel like he did a pretty thorough job of getting to know Tristan and his strengths and challenges. It was emotionally draining really, the more that we talked the more overwhelmed I felt with everything that we’ve been dealing with over the last 2+ years.
Here is what the pediatrician had to say: He is definitely on the autism spectrum, and definitely has some sensory issues and issues with socializing and agression. He also feels that he is behind developmentally with his speech.
So – there is the big question – what does this all mean and what is going to happen? Well, right now, nothing. Within the next month we will get a call from someone at the “PARTS” program from the Children’s Hospital. Someone will come to our home and observe Tristan for a few hours a couple of times to determine where he fits into the autism spectrum. Depending on where he fits will depend on where we go. If they feel that he is mild, then we will go into Early Intervention which will set us up with a preschool/daycare type program. If he is more severe then we will go into more intense therapy implemented through the Children’s Hospital. We will also get a referral to a Speech & Language Pathologist to have Tristan evaluated and get a program put together for him.
So at this point ADD/ADHD has been completely eliminated. We will have to have further evaluation as to the extent of his ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and SPD (sensory processing disorder).
… it’s funny, as we were leaving my husband looked over at me and asked, “So – are you happy?” and I truly just didn’t know what to say. Am I happy my son has some form of autism? NO. Am I happy that my concerns were validated and addressed? YES. Am I happy that Tristan is going to get the help that he deserves? YES. Am I happy that life will truly never be “normal”? NO.
So, interesting day to say the least. I’m sorry if this wasn’t exactly eloquently put together. My head is literally spinning right now in a million directions, I couldn’t piece all my thoughts together if I tried.
Interestingly enough I already had a dinner date planned tonight with a friend who has a 9-year old son with Asperger’s, which is good timing. I’m sure that I will have lots of questions for her!
Tristan’s appointment is this afternoon… less than 5 hours away. I’m a bundle of nerves right now, I don’t know what to expect, and truly I don’t know what outcome I want. I don’t want to hear that my son as a “problem”… but at the same time, what do I do if he says there’s nothing wrong? Then what do I attribute the behaviour to – bad parenting?
And if he says that Tristan does have Asberger’s, ADHD, SPD, then it’s something that will affect Tristan for the rest of his life. Hearing that there is something that can be done would be a comfort, but also a lifelong sentence.
So where do we go? I’m trying not to worry too much right now, we still won’t have any concrete answers by the end of the day, but we’ll be on our way to getting some. I see glimmers of this sweet little boy in Tristan and I hope that all of this misbehaviour is a phase. Except that it’s not just agressive behaviour – there are the twitches, the mannerisms, the obsessive traits – what about those?
I hope that the doctor can make some sense of my little man today. I desperately want to understand what is going on inside his head.
By Friday of last week I was at my wits end. Tristan was having a bad week, Gabe was teething… I had reached my quota for fighting & whining and was about to lose it. I decided that there had to be SOMETHING that would help.
I went to the natural food store with the intention to pick up some homeopathic teething remedies, and then, I saw it! A little bottle of natural mineral supplements for kids, simply called “Be Calm”. I figured – what would it hurt to try? And then… a miraculous thing happened (and no, I’m not exaggerating), yesterday was the best day Tristan has had in months. Not perfect (but then, he is a two year old!), but really, really good. He was responsive to questions & requests, far less violent, he went to bed well and had a good, restful sleep.
And then today, another good day! I really, really hope that this trend continues. I have so much hope right now! We have our appointment with the specialist on Friday and I feel like everything is coming together.
Fingers crossed that it continues tomorrow!
If I say that mantra often enough does it eventually become true?
I’ve actually been pretty good lately. I will admit that in the past I had a very quick fuse and after listening to whining and tantrums, screaming and shouting, and dealing with hitting and throwing toys, I was absolutely spent and would just scream back. Totally unproductive and not something I’m proud of, but I’m human, what’s a mom to do? A couple of weeks ago I just told myself that losing my temper was just not an option, period. And I haven’t.
I guess I kind of think of it like dealing with a boss that’s having a bad day. Sure – you would love to give them a piece of your mind, but you value your job, so you don’t. And so yeah, some days I would just like to scream because I’m on my last nerve, but I value my kids, so I don’t.
This morning though – whew – I was so tempted to scream and just walk out of the house, slamming the door on my way out. Some days it’s just like Tristan cannot control himself AT. ALL. It is maddening! He snatched away every single toy that Gabe dared to touch, it didn’t matter whether it was a car or truck, or just a teething toy, he was determined that Gabe wouldn’t get to play with anything. Then it turned into hitting Gabe over the head with everything. The time outs only seemed to make him even wilder, so I put him in his room for a bit to calm down, and he came downstairs and started it all over again. I really hope the doctor can give me for suggestions for dealing with this behaviour – I feel soooo bad for Gabe, it’s really not fair. Gabe is just the sweetest and happiest little guy, and you can tell he just adores his brother, I just wish I could get Tristan to take an interest in him rather than just treating him like a punching bag.
The one thing that has been really good for Tristan lately is reading. He’s been quite happy to sit on my lap and read book after book until my voice has nearly given out on me. If he was my only child I would gladly spend the day that way, but Gabe needs attention to – and he’s not quite so happy to just sit and read.
I feel torn in a million directions most days, and I guess I just don’t want either of the boys to grow up resenting the attention they received. Tristan takes up an awful lot of my time, and I just don’t want Gabe to feel like he’s just getting the scraps. And at this point, it’s hard to spend time with both of the boys together.
…. It’s only a week and a half until our appointment with the specialist! The countdown begins, I am so excited!
Tristan has a new found obsession with coins. For his first birthday his Great Grandma gave him a piggy bank, and he’s just now discovered that it’s pretty darn fun! If he finds a coin anywhere he has to pick it up and run upstairs to his room and shout, “Piggy bank! Piggy bank!” until I pull it down for him so he can put his coins into it. Great Grandma just passed away a couple of months back so it always puts a smile on my face to see him so excited about something she gave him. He’s started to dig in daddy’s pockets at the end of the day to see what change he can find.
Tristan seems to get a new obsession like this every week. He’ll just get so excited about something that he wants to do it all. day. long. But we’re having fun with the coin one right now, we’ll fatten up that piggy in no time!
Let me start this off by giving a bit of background: My husband has had ADHD his whole life, he struggled as a child to get the help he needed in school because back when he was a child he was just labelled as “a problem” or “a distraction” and not given as much help as he truly needed. As a result he never went to high school and got wrapped up with the wrong crowd for awhile as a teen. He didn’t really have any positive influences to help him along the way. Thankfully he is a strong man and was able to get his life on track, go to college, and be successful. Alright, now on with the point to the post…
My mother-in-law came down this afternoon to spend some time with the boys while my husband and I got some things done around the house. I am always happy when one of our family members can help with the kids, but it always comes with some kind of comment. For some reason she is very resistent to having Tristan diagnosed with anything. She tends to make comments that, “It’s just boys” or to the extreme of, “Oh, but he’s an angel!” I think that it’s wonderful that she loves her grandson so much, but it’s actually rather hurtful to me.
Now, let me explain why it’s hurtful because I know that may seem a bit odd. I struggle day in and day out with Tristan’s behaviour, some days he is awesome and we have so much fun, but then there are the other days where I want to shrink into a corner and cry. As a mother, facing the fact that you can’t control your own child is a very dark place. Now imagine this person who only sees your child for a couple of hours at a time, and always when you are offering a present or some fun activity, steps in and tells you, “This child is a saint! How on earth could you be so cruel as to suggest there is something wrong with him?” It stings.
It got to the point where I had to have my husband talk to her and explain what was going on. He seemed to think that his mom got the message and would be better from now on. Well, apparently not. When we saw her today she just kept making comparisons between Tristan and my husband. “Well you know, Nick used to not have any fear at all, he would just jump off of anything, at least Tristan is cautious” – or – “Well Nick was just a livewire, I could never get him to sit and read a book, at least Tristan will do that.” So in other words, if Nick acted this way and had ADHD, Tristan can’t possibly have ADHD because he’s not exactly like his dad was.
It’s of course all completely ridiculous. No two children are ever exactly alike. And of course the difference also is she spent all day with her son, whereas she seems her grandson in small spurts at the best of times.
Sometimes I want to be really nasty to her and just say what’s on my mind. Tell her how it frustrates me that she is so unsupportive when she herself had to deal with the ups and downs of trying to get through to a child with behavioural challenges. And I just want to scream at her and say, “At least I am trying to help my son! You ignored your child’s condition and left him to fend for himself, and look what happened? He hated school, thought he was stupid, worthless…. that is cruel!” But of course I can’t do that – she isn’t my mother, and it doesn’t feel like it’s my place.
I really tried to break through to her today, to explain what the days are like sometimes. I told her about the time we went to the zoo with a friend and Tristan got so out of control that I could barely get him into the stroller to strap him in, and how in the process of doing this I got a bruise on my chest and a gouge down my cheek. Once in his stroller he headbutted his brother and scratched for his face so that I had to take Gabe out and try to push the stroller while Tristan thrashed and screamed at the top of his lungs. This didn’t phase her – clearly he was just tired. Or I told her about how he continues to throw toys and hit Gabe if I even turn my back for a moment – apparently all children do this, it’s just normal jealousy (which is true, but not every five minutes).
I just don’t know how much longer I can stand it before I lose my temper with her. I love my child. I love Tristan so much that I am willing to fight for him! I am tired of fighting with him, I want to help him to realize his potential. The reason why he does these things is that he can’t control himself. No one wants to feel like they aren’t in control of their own body, and so I am going to help my little boy to figure out how to control himself and manage his impulses. Why, oh why, can’t she just see this?
Instead, once again, I feel like a terrible mother.
I think that every mother worries about the health of her child throughout her pregnancy. Every mother that has ever read, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” probably worries a little more. I had the usual worries as well about congenital birth defects, abnormalities, and having a child born with special needs. I didn’t let these worries consume me, I just kept them tucked aside in a little corner of my mind and instead focused on the fun thoughts, was it a boy or a girl? would they look like me or my husband? would they have brown hair, or blonde hair? I decided that whatever came after this baby arrived, I would love and cherish them no matter what.
I had no idea that this would ever be tested. I knew so little.
The moment Tristan was born I looked down at him and beamed. Here was my son! My beautiful son! I instantly deemed him perfect in every way and felt that bond that only a mother can understand. My husband and I spent hours just marvelling at this little person we had created, what a gift!
Looking back now I can see Tristan was always different right from the start. Not that all babies don’t have their quirks, but I suppose in retrospect I can see that the volume of quirks with Tristan was not the same as other children. When he was an infant Tristan would not last seconds in a wet diaper without letting out the shrillest, most demanding scream, until he was safely in a clean diaper and onesie. This might not seem out of the ordinary, but 30 diapers a day can really wear a new parent out! He was a good nurser, but little did I know that nursing for 2 hours at a time is not exactly considered normal. He had a definite preference for certain textures right from the start – soft fleece blankets were good, worn flannel receiving blankets were definitely bad. Being held upright was good, being carried in a cradle hold would usually inspire more screaming.
Tristan held his head up days after birth, rolled over at a month old, by 3 months old rolling was the preferred mode of transport and he would roll for hours on end. At 6 months Tristan began crawling, and didn’t even realize what sitting was until then, who wanted to stay still? At 7 months he was cruising, and by 10 months walking. His milestones were early, but not abnormal by any stretch.
When Tristan was 10 months old I became pregnant with his younger brother, Gabe. I was so thrilled! Tristan was great, so obviously another baby would be great too. How blessed we were! I didn’t know all of the fun that would be instore…
I guess for a long time I really just believed, “Boys will be boys.” People always told me that boys were busy, boys were loud, boys got into things. Somehow though as a mother you know when that has crossed the line. While I was pregnant I was quite ill during my first trimester and really started to feel the strain of parenting an active toddler while trying to get the R&R I so desperately needed so I could function. Tristan did not let up, did not give me a break…. he would come and pull my hair and pound on my back while I hugged the toilet. At the time I assumed he was just upset about the lack of attention, maybe not…
I had a midwife appointment to hear the babies heartbeat and see how everything was progressing. I assumed that Tristan would be fine, it was just a quick routine appointment, he could just play with toys on the floor, no big deal. It started once my midwife took my blood pressure – he panicked, screamed, tried to rip the blood pressure cuff off. It baffled me, what on earth was he so upset about? Then when it came time for me to lie down on the table, all hell broke loose. Tristan desperately clawed at me, hit my midwife, just totally lost control. I picked Tristan up and set him down next to me, giving him a big bear hug – he calmed after a few minutes like this. Then my midwife put the doppler to my belly to hear the babies heartbeat. I suppose I had a lot of expectations, I wanted this perfect moment where I told Tristan, “That’s your baby brother or sister’s heart beating!” And then of course he would have this moment of recognition and be completely fascinated and bonded with this new baby, um – yeah right! He was in sheer terror, he screamed as loudly as he could, grabbed the doppler and threw it, and scratched frantically at my belly. Poor babies heart rate shot up to 180! My midwife said that she had never seen anything like it. I found it upsetting, but I kind of brushed it aside. What else was I supposed to do?
Over the rest of my pregnancy Tristan was his usual challenging self – he had a battery that never ran out, woke frequently with nightmares, screamed, threw food. This was normal toddler stuff right? What never quite sat right with me though was that he would hit my belly, push it, claw it. There was a very rare time he would kiss it, but for the most part his behaviour was usually agressive. I started to notice him being more agressive at playgroups and out in public. A lot of little boys hit and push occasionally though, and when I brought it up with people, no one ever seemed concerned. I certainly didn’t want to be some parnanoid mom, so just thought, “Alright, it’s normal, he’ll grow out of it.”
When Gabe was born life got a whole lot more challenging! At first Tristan chose to go the route of ignoring this new addition, perhaps hoping he would just go away and life would go on. When I took him out to playgroups he would be as good as gold, I assumed he was just happy to get out of the house where life was boring and revolved around this tiny, crying infant who nursed and slept a lot.
The ignoring continued for quite awhile, it bothered me since I often got the question, “What does Tristan think of his little brother?” How do you politely answer, “I think he would rather not have one.” I vividly remember ordering pizza when Gabe was about a month old – the delivery girl asked Tristan if that was his little brother, and Tristan said “Yes”. She said, “Do you like your little brother?” “NO!” he shouted back. “Oh, okay then, can I have him?” she jokingly asked. Of course Tristan got excited and said, “Uh huh!” We laughed, but it kind of broke my heart. So much for brotherly love!
Tristan continued to grow more agressive with us, his peers and his little brother. He also had other quirks – loud noises terrified him, even a plane flying overhead would have him running for cover in fear. He loved trains yet the sound of a train whistle would cause him a huge deal of stress. Taking him to see fireworks at Canada Day was an awful experience for everyone, and I felt like if he could have crawled back inside me that day, he would have. He started to develop strange fears of the swimming pool, heights, small spaces – fears that just come and go but when they are there are very intense.
Intense is probably the best way to describe Tristan. He hits, he screams, he throws things… but he also gives big bear hugs and kisses. He is obsessive about his Thomas trains, cars, trucks, tractors (he has a passion for anything with wheels), and at only 27 months can name over 30 Thomas characters just by pointing to the pictures. Diaper changes have almost become impossible, my legs are black and blue from being kicked as he tantrums each and every time (it used to be only sometimes, now it is every time). Some days showers are okay, other days they are torture. He is very particular about his clothing, and getting dressed in the morning is a challenge which usually results in a 20 minutes temper tantrum/wrestling session, sometimes it can stretch to an hour if he’s feeling particularly feisty. Trying to discipline Tristan is near impossible – he will not look at you, will not listen, and is just openly defiant. He goes through phases with food – usually crunchy and smooth are good, chunky may or may not be, apple sauce usually doesn’t go over well, all these things just depend on the day and on his mood. His “blankie” is carried absolutely everywhere with us and is sometimes (coupled with sucking his thumb) the only thing that can remotely calm him down.
These are the challenges we face every day. And the biggest challenge is that I do not know what’s wrong! ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder/ Integration Dysfunction, Aspergers… the list goes on. I’m searching for answers admist the barage of family saying “He’s fine, just leave him alone”, and the strangers pointing in public asking “What’s wrong with that child, can’t his mother control him?”
It is a challenge to diagnose a toddler with any kind of behaviour/emotional disorder. Most doctors prefer to wait until the child is in school. I think that this is too late and is a huge disservice to our children if we allow it to be that way! I want to work through this with Tristan and be able to show the world what an amazing little boy he truly is underneath all of the challenges. Because he really is an amazing boy – mischievous and charming, loving, extremely smart and creative – I am truly proud to be his mother, and man, has he taught me a lot already!
Follow along, this is our story and our path to getting some answers, help, and hopefully some more sanity back in our lives.
