If I say that mantra often enough does it eventually become true?

I’ve actually been pretty good lately.  I will admit that in the past I had a very quick fuse and after listening to whining and tantrums, screaming and shouting, and dealing with hitting and throwing toys, I was absolutely spent and would just scream back.  Totally unproductive and not something I’m proud of, but I’m human, what’s a mom to do?  A couple of weeks ago I just told myself that losing my temper was just not an option, period.  And I haven’t.

I guess I kind of think of it like dealing with a boss that’s having a bad day.  Sure – you would love to give them a piece of your mind, but you value your job, so you don’t.  And so yeah, some days I would just like to scream because I’m on my last nerve, but I value my kids, so I don’t.

This morning though – whew – I was so tempted to scream and just walk out of the house, slamming the door on my way out.  Some days it’s just like Tristan cannot control himself AT. ALL.  It is maddening!  He snatched away every single toy that Gabe dared to touch, it didn’t matter whether it was a car or truck, or just a teething toy, he was determined that Gabe wouldn’t get to play with anything.  Then it turned into hitting Gabe over the head with everything.  The time outs only seemed to make him even wilder, so I put him in his room for a bit to calm down, and he came downstairs and started it all over again.  I really hope the doctor can give me for suggestions for dealing with this behaviour – I feel soooo bad for Gabe, it’s really not fair.  Gabe is just the sweetest and happiest little guy, and you can tell he just adores his brother, I just wish I could get Tristan to take an interest in him rather than just treating him like a punching bag.

The one thing that has been really good for Tristan lately is reading.  He’s been quite happy to sit on my lap and read book after book until my voice has nearly given out on me.  If he was my only child I would gladly spend the day that way, but Gabe needs attention to – and he’s not quite so happy to just sit and read.

I feel torn in a million directions most days, and I guess I just don’t want either of the boys to grow up resenting the attention they received.  Tristan takes up an awful lot of my time, and I just don’t want Gabe to feel like he’s just getting the scraps.  And at this point, it’s hard to spend time with both of the boys together.

…. It’s only a week and a half until our appointment with the specialist!  The countdown begins, I am so excited!