Yesterday was a CHALLENGE!  Oh my goodness, was I ever wishing for bedtime.

Tristan had an awful sleep on Wednesday night and maybe got 6 hours tops – he is definitely not a child that functions well when he is sleep deprived.  Truly nobody in our family functions really well without our rest.  Of course that meant we were already starting the day off with a strike against us.

Then our plans to meet a friend at an indoor play centre fell through when she slept in and couldn’t make it on time.  I figured no problem, we would make the drive into the city and pick up a cake pan I need and meet her for a walk.  Tristan was an absolute angel in the store – he walked with me, he followed directions, and he held my hand in the parking lot…. I love it when that happens, it’s so rare but wonderful.  I thought, “Hey, maybe this day won’t be so bad.”  I should have held that thought!

We went to J’s to meet her and her 1-year old daughter for a walk, and immediately her dogs started jumping on Tristan which scared him and riled him up.  Tristan absolutely adores dogs, but there is something about them jumping that really gets him out of sorts, I can’t quite explain it, but it seems to really throw him out of balance.  So from then on, he was pretty uncontrollable.  He did not want to get in his stroller, he kept running for the road while I tried to get everything organized.  I hate that feeling of just being completely ready to snap, especially when there isn’t any option of places to PUT Tristan to calm him down.  He was okay on the walk, a little fussy, a little demanding (as always).  He actually fell asleep in the stroller, which would be great, except he woke up when I was putting him in the car and would not sleep the rest of the day.

So now I have a toddler with 6 hours of sleep, and a 15 minute nap to deal with…. GREAT!  He had an hour of quiet time in his room, but still no rest.  There were A LOT of outbursts yesterday.  A lot of hitting, a lot of crying, a lot of throwing himself around.  I hate days like that because I feel so hopeless to help him, and at the same time I can’t help but be completely frustrated because I just want him to STOP, but I know he’s not in control of what he’s doing.

And right now I feel like I at such a loss with how to deal with days like this, I have no tools.  I feel like it’s that game I used to play as a child, “Green light, red light.”  It’s like somebody says, “Green light: Your Child has ASD”…. woohoo!  We’re getting somewhere!…. “Red light: But you need to wait for other evaluations before we’ll actually help you.”  The more I learn the more I still need to know.

I am honestly scared to plan things with friends these days.  Going out on my own with the boys is fine because we are free to go when it fits in with our days schedule so as not to upset Tristan’s routines, and If the boys are having a bad day we just don’t leave the house and don’t have to feel guilty about cancelling on anybody.  We stay home most days and play in the yard, or walk over to the playground, and it’s been great.  The kids are happy, I’m less stressed.  So why do I feel bad about not getting out more?  I would love to see friends, but there is always so much to worry about with other people.  I think once we start working more with Tristan we’ll be able to put him into more social settings, but right now it just seems like we’re walking this fine line of keeping his emotions (and mine) in check.  And well, some days are just hard.