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I am at my wit’s end this week! My kids aren’t sleeping through the night, and they’re also not napping. Tristan has been incredibly violent, and Gabe has been incredibly whiney. Is this week over yet?
I still haven’t heard from the Children’s Hospital regarding our home evaluation and I am growing more and more frustrated. I really need help, I have no idea how to handle Tristan and we are all suffering for it.
Gabe has really started cruising around and trying to take steps, but for some reason it’s really upsetting Tristan and he constantly pulls and pushes him down. It’s awful because I feel like I have to be Gabe’s bodyguard most of the day, and I think Tristan feels like I am favoring Gabe over him. Maybe I’m just reading too much into it. I just want the boys to get along and be able to play together, but we are so far away from that I don’t see how it will ever happen.
I see other people’s children interacting with each other and I envy them – their bad days are our every days. Gabe actually flinches in preparation for being hit every time Tristan comes near him.
I’m sad, and I’m scared, and I just want some help! I know that it can take months for evals, but what on earth am I supposed to do in the meantime? The only words of wisdom from the pediatrician was to put Tristan in his room when he acts violently – well, leaving a 2 year old in his room for the day isn’t an option. I just don’t know what to do.
We have been spending a lot of time at home lately rather than venturing out. I’m sure that in a lot of ways this is probably not the best course of action – Tristan does in fact need socialization, even if it is difficult. In terms of my sanity though, it is truly for the best. Tristan is so much calmer and more relaxed when we are left to our routines within these walls. The boys nap when they’re supposed to, eat when they’re supposed to, and for the most part their behaviour is pretty predictable. Of course we still deal with the stress of Tristan’s agression towards Gabe and random temper tantrums over wanting a snack, or deciding that he wants to randomly go to Grandma’s when she’s at work. Somehow everything seems more manageable here though, for everyone. I am not at the mercy of what other’s expect of me… I don’t feel people’s eyes on me judging my children or how I react to them. It’s safe here.
I hope that once we start doing more therapies with Tristan that we will be able to venture out more. I miss being able to take the kids to indoor playgrounds and playgroups…. in a lot of ways I miss the companionship of other moms because I don’t see my friends as much as I used to. But I’m comfortable here.
Really though, I have always been a homebody. It’s perhaps a miracle that I am married with 2 kids. There was a time when I was single where I worked 2 jobs, and the rare night I had off would be spent working out at the gym, followed by a glass of wine, a bubble bath, and a book.
So this all leads me to wonder – is it really Tristan that copes better at home, or is it really just me?
Yesterday was a CHALLENGE! Oh my goodness, was I ever wishing for bedtime.
Tristan had an awful sleep on Wednesday night and maybe got 6 hours tops – he is definitely not a child that functions well when he is sleep deprived. Truly nobody in our family functions really well without our rest. Of course that meant we were already starting the day off with a strike against us.
Then our plans to meet a friend at an indoor play centre fell through when she slept in and couldn’t make it on time. I figured no problem, we would make the drive into the city and pick up a cake pan I need and meet her for a walk. Tristan was an absolute angel in the store – he walked with me, he followed directions, and he held my hand in the parking lot…. I love it when that happens, it’s so rare but wonderful. I thought, “Hey, maybe this day won’t be so bad.” I should have held that thought!
We went to J’s to meet her and her 1-year old daughter for a walk, and immediately her dogs started jumping on Tristan which scared him and riled him up. Tristan absolutely adores dogs, but there is something about them jumping that really gets him out of sorts, I can’t quite explain it, but it seems to really throw him out of balance. So from then on, he was pretty uncontrollable. He did not want to get in his stroller, he kept running for the road while I tried to get everything organized. I hate that feeling of just being completely ready to snap, especially when there isn’t any option of places to PUT Tristan to calm him down. He was okay on the walk, a little fussy, a little demanding (as always). He actually fell asleep in the stroller, which would be great, except he woke up when I was putting him in the car and would not sleep the rest of the day.
So now I have a toddler with 6 hours of sleep, and a 15 minute nap to deal with…. GREAT! He had an hour of quiet time in his room, but still no rest. There were A LOT of outbursts yesterday. A lot of hitting, a lot of crying, a lot of throwing himself around. I hate days like that because I feel so hopeless to help him, and at the same time I can’t help but be completely frustrated because I just want him to STOP, but I know he’s not in control of what he’s doing.
And right now I feel like I at such a loss with how to deal with days like this, I have no tools. I feel like it’s that game I used to play as a child, “Green light, red light.” It’s like somebody says, “Green light: Your Child has ASD”…. woohoo! We’re getting somewhere!…. “Red light: But you need to wait for other evaluations before we’ll actually help you.” The more I learn the more I still need to know.
I am honestly scared to plan things with friends these days. Going out on my own with the boys is fine because we are free to go when it fits in with our days schedule so as not to upset Tristan’s routines, and If the boys are having a bad day we just don’t leave the house and don’t have to feel guilty about cancelling on anybody. We stay home most days and play in the yard, or walk over to the playground, and it’s been great. The kids are happy, I’m less stressed. So why do I feel bad about not getting out more? I would love to see friends, but there is always so much to worry about with other people. I think once we start working more with Tristan we’ll be able to put him into more social settings, but right now it just seems like we’re walking this fine line of keeping his emotions (and mine) in check. And well, some days are just hard.
The days lately seem longer than ever! Nick has been working a lot lately, the project he is finishing off a critical stage right now so he has been working very long hours. To top that off I am actually quite busy at work as well lately (I generally work extremely part time, only a few hours a week). Couple that with the fact that Gabe is teething and Tristan has been needing a lot of attention, and I am WORN OUT.
Now, after having said that, you are probably going to think my next comment is crazy… but I am thinking of homeschooling the kids.
Now I know all of the arguments for and against, I just need to decide if it’s the right thing to do for our family. That is that part of me that is counting down the years until the kids are in school full time and I will have more time to devote to work and quite possibly *gasp* some ME time. But then there is that other part of me that just doesn’t feel right about sending them off to public school. I want to teach them that learning doesn’t just happen within the four walls of a school building. That it can happen in your home, in your backyard, out in the community… everywhere! And I want to have the flexibility to take them on trips, and have them learn at their own pace, and be able to individualize their schooling experience.
This is obviously something that is going to require a lot more thought. If I homeschool I will still continue on with the work I am doing now, so I need to figure out how that would all work and how I could juggle the schedules. I also need to learn more about what is involved with Tristan’s therapy plan and whether it is in fact possible for me to teach him, or if he would benefit more from a structured classroom setting (although, I’m thinking he probably wouldn’t).
I just keep thinking that though the days seem long, they are young for such a short time. I personally loved learning as a child, but hated school in junior high and high school. I don’t think that school necessarily prepares you for what is out there in the world. In fact, looking back I felt horribly unprepared because in the real world nobody cares if you are popular, or how you scored on the last quiz, or if you’re the captain of the basketball team. In the real world, people care if you can carry on a conversation, work hard, think critically, act on your feet, and work both independently and as a team player.
So I really think that the homeschooling thing could work for us if I do my research, find some groups in our area that we can join in so that the kids do still get to do some group learning and find out about joining sports and clubs in our community.
Tristan is really inspiring me to think outside the box. There is not just one way to do things, so I’m going to explore this path and see if it just might be the right fit for us.
If I say that mantra often enough does it eventually become true?
I’ve actually been pretty good lately. I will admit that in the past I had a very quick fuse and after listening to whining and tantrums, screaming and shouting, and dealing with hitting and throwing toys, I was absolutely spent and would just scream back. Totally unproductive and not something I’m proud of, but I’m human, what’s a mom to do? A couple of weeks ago I just told myself that losing my temper was just not an option, period. And I haven’t.
I guess I kind of think of it like dealing with a boss that’s having a bad day. Sure – you would love to give them a piece of your mind, but you value your job, so you don’t. And so yeah, some days I would just like to scream because I’m on my last nerve, but I value my kids, so I don’t.
This morning though – whew – I was so tempted to scream and just walk out of the house, slamming the door on my way out. Some days it’s just like Tristan cannot control himself AT. ALL. It is maddening! He snatched away every single toy that Gabe dared to touch, it didn’t matter whether it was a car or truck, or just a teething toy, he was determined that Gabe wouldn’t get to play with anything. Then it turned into hitting Gabe over the head with everything. The time outs only seemed to make him even wilder, so I put him in his room for a bit to calm down, and he came downstairs and started it all over again. I really hope the doctor can give me for suggestions for dealing with this behaviour – I feel soooo bad for Gabe, it’s really not fair. Gabe is just the sweetest and happiest little guy, and you can tell he just adores his brother, I just wish I could get Tristan to take an interest in him rather than just treating him like a punching bag.
The one thing that has been really good for Tristan lately is reading. He’s been quite happy to sit on my lap and read book after book until my voice has nearly given out on me. If he was my only child I would gladly spend the day that way, but Gabe needs attention to – and he’s not quite so happy to just sit and read.
I feel torn in a million directions most days, and I guess I just don’t want either of the boys to grow up resenting the attention they received. Tristan takes up an awful lot of my time, and I just don’t want Gabe to feel like he’s just getting the scraps. And at this point, it’s hard to spend time with both of the boys together.
…. It’s only a week and a half until our appointment with the specialist! The countdown begins, I am so excited!
Let me start this off by giving a bit of background: My husband has had ADHD his whole life, he struggled as a child to get the help he needed in school because back when he was a child he was just labelled as “a problem” or “a distraction” and not given as much help as he truly needed. As a result he never went to high school and got wrapped up with the wrong crowd for awhile as a teen. He didn’t really have any positive influences to help him along the way. Thankfully he is a strong man and was able to get his life on track, go to college, and be successful. Alright, now on with the point to the post…
My mother-in-law came down this afternoon to spend some time with the boys while my husband and I got some things done around the house. I am always happy when one of our family members can help with the kids, but it always comes with some kind of comment. For some reason she is very resistent to having Tristan diagnosed with anything. She tends to make comments that, “It’s just boys” or to the extreme of, “Oh, but he’s an angel!” I think that it’s wonderful that she loves her grandson so much, but it’s actually rather hurtful to me.
Now, let me explain why it’s hurtful because I know that may seem a bit odd. I struggle day in and day out with Tristan’s behaviour, some days he is awesome and we have so much fun, but then there are the other days where I want to shrink into a corner and cry. As a mother, facing the fact that you can’t control your own child is a very dark place. Now imagine this person who only sees your child for a couple of hours at a time, and always when you are offering a present or some fun activity, steps in and tells you, “This child is a saint! How on earth could you be so cruel as to suggest there is something wrong with him?” It stings.
It got to the point where I had to have my husband talk to her and explain what was going on. He seemed to think that his mom got the message and would be better from now on. Well, apparently not. When we saw her today she just kept making comparisons between Tristan and my husband. “Well you know, Nick used to not have any fear at all, he would just jump off of anything, at least Tristan is cautious” – or – “Well Nick was just a livewire, I could never get him to sit and read a book, at least Tristan will do that.” So in other words, if Nick acted this way and had ADHD, Tristan can’t possibly have ADHD because he’s not exactly like his dad was.
It’s of course all completely ridiculous. No two children are ever exactly alike. And of course the difference also is she spent all day with her son, whereas she seems her grandson in small spurts at the best of times.
Sometimes I want to be really nasty to her and just say what’s on my mind. Tell her how it frustrates me that she is so unsupportive when she herself had to deal with the ups and downs of trying to get through to a child with behavioural challenges. And I just want to scream at her and say, “At least I am trying to help my son! You ignored your child’s condition and left him to fend for himself, and look what happened? He hated school, thought he was stupid, worthless…. that is cruel!” But of course I can’t do that – she isn’t my mother, and it doesn’t feel like it’s my place.
I really tried to break through to her today, to explain what the days are like sometimes. I told her about the time we went to the zoo with a friend and Tristan got so out of control that I could barely get him into the stroller to strap him in, and how in the process of doing this I got a bruise on my chest and a gouge down my cheek. Once in his stroller he headbutted his brother and scratched for his face so that I had to take Gabe out and try to push the stroller while Tristan thrashed and screamed at the top of his lungs. This didn’t phase her – clearly he was just tired. Or I told her about how he continues to throw toys and hit Gabe if I even turn my back for a moment – apparently all children do this, it’s just normal jealousy (which is true, but not every five minutes).
I just don’t know how much longer I can stand it before I lose my temper with her. I love my child. I love Tristan so much that I am willing to fight for him! I am tired of fighting with him, I want to help him to realize his potential. The reason why he does these things is that he can’t control himself. No one wants to feel like they aren’t in control of their own body, and so I am going to help my little boy to figure out how to control himself and manage his impulses. Why, oh why, can’t she just see this?
Instead, once again, I feel like a terrible mother.
